found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
try to milk me bitch
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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