So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Randomize
