so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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