woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
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