1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
