so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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