You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize