I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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