so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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