My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
be right there i have to get my cape
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
