I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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