He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
