I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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