You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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