You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Randomize
