I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
Randomize
