I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize