meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
dude i'm inner monologue high
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
