peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
