bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Randomize
