I've blown a few things in my day
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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