guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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