seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Randomize
