mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Randomize
