i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
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