seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
