We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
Randomize
