My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
