You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
