Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
