Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
