I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
