I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
You need a sexual gate keeper
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Randomize
