im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
