I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
