My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
