nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Randomize
