sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
