Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize