nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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