Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
