I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize