That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Randomize
