I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
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