You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I'm bleeding and have questions
Randomize
