If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
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