my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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