Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
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