I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
