im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
well you can't waste a boner
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
