Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Is it weird for a girl to post pictures of her dildo no facebook?
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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