It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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