I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
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