My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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