so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize