Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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