the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
