bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
