i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
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