Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize