Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
