Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
