3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
their songs make me feel all the things I wanna feel. Ya dig?
and what kinds of feelings would these be?
Happy, horny, occasionally hungry
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
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