The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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