wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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