I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
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