im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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