Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize