WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
