just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
