Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
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