I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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