they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Randomize
